Morning of March 29, 2011

There are many mornings I take Willow out for a walk in the back field and wish I had my camera with me. There is something so beautiful about the silence of the morning
and saying hello to the lake.

I send up a silent prayer of gratitude for having this beautiful scene greet me in the morning. So many wake up to a busy urban neighborhood and while I crave that environment at times,
this is what brings me peace.

Winter's end

I take Willow out tonight for her usual last visit to the yard before bedtime. It is dusk and the sun is just starting to disappear over the lake making a pink horizon and the black branches of the trees, a silhouette.

The snow has a hard crust on it which gives me the feeling of walking on the smooth surface of the moon. My boots make a crunching sound, the only sound I can hear now. I see reminders of warmer days; my neighbor's barbecue grill, the picnic table. They are reminders of good times, warm times. Iris' Puerto Rican specialties are the focus of those gatherings where I bring a bottle of wine and a lawn chair and we laugh and sing Luther Van Dross tunes after Sergio has given in to our pleas to haul the speakers out onto the lawn. This country life is new and wonderful to them and I smile at their appreciation of a starry sky and clean air. As much as I try to avoid the drama coming from their apartment across the hall, I am grateful to them for these memories.

It feels like the dead of winter tonight even though the calendar tells me spring is less than three weeks away. The air is cold and crisp and I'm amazed at how 21 degrees can be so tolerable when the air is still and free of dampness.

Willow does her business and we head back into our warm apartment still smelling of dinner and clean laundry. Soon it will smell of fresh air coming through open windows. Soon.

The light at the end of the tunnel

"A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it's you and me
Together forever and never apart,
Maybe in distance, but never in heart."

In a small line at the end of his status update, Bob made an announcement that will change both of our lives forever:

"I'm moving to NY to be with Chris."

Now, this plan has been in place for 5 years but one thing after another got in the way. It wasn't until both of us realized how much we meant to each other and how quickly we could lose it did anything change.

My mind has been whirring lately with the thought of welcoming this man into our everyday lives. I'm making room in my closet, my dresser is now his and I think about how every single facet of my life and my girls' lives will change. I will no longer be alone. I will no longer ache to see him, to touch him.

I think back on all the times when something has happened to him and I wasn't there to offer comfort in a way instant messages and phone calls cannot do. There's nothing worse than being spiritually there for someone yet out of arms' reach.

I will have someone to spend evenings with watching movies or in conversation over a glass of wine. To know I will have a dinner partner every night; to have someone to fill that empty chair at our table. My future will no longer be a question I ask only myself.

I'm sure there will be some logistics to work out. For now, we're in my small three-bedroom apartment with one bathroom to share between four of us. Willow will most certainly be unhappy about being displaced as my bed partner. Then there's the question of what will happen with all his "stuff". Those things will work themselves out. I'm certain of that.

I'm also certain that this will be the greatest adventure of our lives.

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men

But in despair, I bowed my head
"There is no peace on earth," I said
For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, goodwill to men

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep
God is not dead nor doth He sleep
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, goodwill to men
Peace on earth, goodwill to men

This song speaks to me more than any other carol of the season. It crosses religious lines and reaches the hearts of all mankind. It speaks of the common emotions we all experience but offers the solace that we are capable of overcoming fear and hate and we can believe that love and goodness will always win. God never stops loving and neither should we.

Nutritionist

I had my first meeting with a nutritionist yesterday. Michele is a friend of my brother and lives in Ithaca so we're doing phone meetings. http://www.grcuisine.com/

We talked for about an hour about my goals and eating and exercise habits (of which I have none). It was determined that I am a carb fiend (duh) and I just need to balance my meals better.

She recommended Activia as it has not only the right kind of bacteria needed for proper digestion but also the phytohormones (or something like that) which will help with my hormonal changes. She also recommends Sparkpeople www.sparkpeople.com as a way to track my nutrition and exercise.

Something has to change and I'm committed to doing it! I'm looking for an accountability buddy if you know anyone. Wish me luck!

Healthy choices

I don't know if it's my advancing age or my bad habits but I'm not feeling healthy lately. I've gained weight and my vain self doesn't like it! I took myself off the two meds that may have been contributing to my slowed metabolism and started looking for answers.

The first thing I did was look for a local naturopath as I'd had a lot of luck with one in the past but unfortunately, there is only one left in this area. Actually, in a 75 mile radius! Even crunchy Granola World Ithaca doesn't have a licensed naturopath! As an alternative, I made an appointment with my brother's friend who is a nutritionist but she had nothing available for three weeks. I had to take matters into my own hands!

I picked up the book Skinny Bitch on the advice of a friend and finished it in a day. This book advocates a vegan, organic lifestyle in a take-no-prisoners kind of way. It makes a lot of sense.

Armed with a product list from the book, I headed to Wegman's to stock up on organic fruit. Talk about sticker shock! The cost is about four times the amount of regular pesticidey fruit! I bought nothing.

I then checked out the natural food aisle. $1.79 for Larabars, $4.99 for vegan hot dogs, $4.99 for a box of cereal! Holy crap on a flaxseed cracker! I think I will lose weight on this diet because I can't afford to eat the food!

Seriously, the cost isn't that bad when you consider it's food my children will not eat and I won't have to buy all that often (except for the organic fruit which I'm sure will spoil much faster than it's less healthy counterparts). It's worth it to me to see if my energy returns.

Day One has started with Amaranth flakes cereal and almond milk. Stay tuned.

Memorial Day Morning

Willow woke me up at 6:30 this morning giving me a bonus hour to sleep in on my day off. I fed her like usual and got ready to go for a walk. I never have time to do this on a workday and always wanted to see what the lake looks like so early in the morning.

There was a chill in the air but I could tell it was going to turn into a hot day. The lawn was wet with dew and the cut grass stuck to my shoes as I walked across the field. As I was coming down the dirt path that leads to the lake, I could see the ropes they'd put up on the beach designating the swimming area. Their buoys lay so still on a mirror of water. The fog was just lifting from the surface of the lake and the sunlight filtering through it gave it a ghostly appearance.

We made our way down the path, the only ones out that early. Willow spotted a rabbit and pulled hard on the leash. The terrified rabbit took the opportunity to run for safety into the brush. As we turned the curve, I could see a lone fisherman casting his line. I imagine he was enjoying the quiet, beautiful morning as well.

We continued our walk and turned around at the bottom of the hill. The temperature was starting to rise (or was it my own) and coffee sounded much more appealing than climbing the hill. As we made our way back, I could see a part of the lake that is particularly quiet. Here I've seen beavers swimming as they dragged sticks through the water to build the dam the county workers always destroy. But today, no beavers. No fish. Not a ripple on the water. Fog met sun here and it swirled upward in lazy circles dancing above the glassy surface before disappearing into the air.

We headed for home after our 3 mile trek and I waved to my neighbors out on the porch of their Victorian enjoying their morning coffee with their bulldog at their side. I stopped short of asking them for a cup of coffee and a muffin. I'm filled with envy when I see these neighbors. How wonderful it would be to have a home overlooking this lake!

Willow and I arrived at the door and I stomped my feet to get as much sticky grass off them before going inside. She did the trick I call "circus dog" where she makes the seven steps from landing to landing in one giant leap. It's hard to believe six months ago she didn't know how to climb stairs and was terrified of trying.

I put the coffee on and warmed up the leftover hash browns I'd made yesterday. I melted butter in a frying pan and cracked two eggs into it. Two yolks in one egg! Yes, today will be a good day.